Tiny heart, you're not by yourself
When will you recognize the beat?
Tiny Heart - Flyleaf
"Bella? Are you alright in there?"
"I'm fine," I called out weakly, even though we both knew I wasn't.
"Do you want me to get Didyme?" His voice was a lot louder now; he must have come in the bathroom despite me asking him not to. So much for privacy.
"Edward, I'm-"
"If you say that you're fine one more time, I swear to God…" he sighed, and then his hand was pressing against my lower back, sending a shiver up my spine.
It had been six scarily short, pill-less days since we'd returned from the hotel, and I was still clutching porcelain after meals. I was fed up of feeling - and being – sick all the time, but I knew that part of it was down to nerves.
The air between us had been growing thicker and thicker with tension ever since our return, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. After spending so long away from the cameras, it was even harder to keep our cover strong and hide all of our emotions again. All the fear and anxiety had to be kept under lock and key, and the more we bottled it up, the harder it was to keep it from spilling out into our 'everyday life'.
The only reprieve we got was our daily showers together, but even they had changed – instead of the slow, tender lovemaking that had almost become our norm, a new kind of urgency had taken over, making everything seem that more intense. It was like we knew, somewhere deep inside of us, that our time may have been drawing to a close, and we just wanted to saturate ourselves with us. We needed that physical connection to keep us going, to constantly remind us of what we were fighting for, of how much we could gain if this succeeded. But at the same time, it was an almost painful reminder of what we stood to lose.
The only upside to it all was that while we were gone, we had successfully managed to plan our escape route as well as some possible alternatives, so the planning side of the escape was almost complete. The only thing we hadn't done was tell Rosalie what was going on, and somehow, despite all the successes we had had so far, that one problem made it seem like we were back at square one again.
The clock was literally ticking now, and if we couldn't tell Rosalie in time… I couldn't even think about that. To come so far, only to fall at the last hurdle? It was simply incomprehensible.
"God, I hate this…" I muttered under my breath. Edward sighed softly, and moved to stand directly behind me.
"What can I do?" he murmured.
"Come here?" I pleaded, reaching back with one hand and pulling him closer. He put his hands on my hips with barely any pressure and deliberately held his body away from mine, even when I pushed back to try and meet him.
"Bella…"
"I need you closer," I explained, then groaned in discomfort. Not again…
"I'm going to get Di-"
"No!" I lifted my head much too quickly, then dropped it back down again as the nausea intensified. "Edward, I don't need Didyme, okay? I need…" everything to sort itself out so I don't regret not taking Didyme's keys and leaving like we both wanted to. "I need comfort, so please… Come clo- Ugh, fuck…"
I bent over the sink and gagged, but just about managed to keep everything down, even as tears flooded my eyes.
"Oh, baby…" This time when I reached back for him, he took my hand in his instantly and pressed his body fully against mine, his chest to my back. I shuddered, and then gasped when he nuzzled my neck. For once, the nausea and fear wasn't the only thing on my mind.
"That feels so good," I told him as I pushed my hips back against his, wishing he would be closer. I needed the comfort of his touch. I craved it, craved the reminder that we were real and that no matter what happened tomorrow, that would never change.
And now that I had that reassurance, I couldn't get enough.
"Okay?" he asked softly. I nodded weakly, then slowly circled my hips against his, trying to focus on the closeness of his body instead of the twisting in my stomach.
"Baby…" I wasn't sure if it was a warning or simply something to make me aware of what I was doing, but I stopped moving anyway and shifted my hips away from his again.
"Sorry."
"No, it's…" He sighed, then pressed a slow, open-mouthed kiss to my neck as he pulled my hips back tightly against his. Fuck, he felt good. "I want you. I always do, but I don't want you to feel like you have to take things any further than you're comfortable with just because I'm… Just because I want to."
I smiled, then reached up with my free hand and slid my fingers through his hair. "I love you."
He kissed my neck again. "I love you, too."
I let my head fall back against his shoulder and closed my eyes, feeling myself start to get teary. We were leaving tomorrow. Less than twenty-four fucking hours. We were running out of time…
"It's gonna be okay," he whispered, like he could somehow read my mind. "We're gonna be okay."
I nodded weakly, then squeezed his hand and straightened up again, still keeping our bodies connected.
"We should probably go now," I sighed regretfully. We'd been invited to dinner by Aro, who had said it was important but not vital that we attended it, and we'd promised that we would be there. But that was before we realized that stopping the pill clearly didn't work, and now I was seriously beginning to regret it. All I wanted to do was stay in here with Edward, wrapped up in our little bubble.
"We don't have to go if you don't feel up to it."
Oh, but we do.
"Royce will be there," I pointed out. And, by default, Rosalie might be too. "I thought we were going to ask him and Rosalie round for a few drinks tomorrow before the party…"
"Shit, I forgot about that," he muttered. "I could always go by myself?"
I shook my head quickly, then turned to face him and gripped his hands tightly. "What, and leave me here to wallow in my own misery? No, thanks."
"Bella…"
"Don't leave me," I mouthed, squeezing his hands. "Please."
His expression softened. "I…"
"I don't feel sick anymore," I lied. "Please, Edward? I got that new dress especially for this."
With a reluctant sigh, he eventually nodded. "Alright. But if you start feeling sick…"
"I'll let you know," I promised.
"You'd better," he murmured before leaning in to kiss me. His lips were gentle at first, but the need for more quickly became overpowering and I pulled him closer, wrapping my arms around his neck as I deepened the kiss.
"Bella," Edward breathed. I shook my head and pressed my lips to his harder. I needed this.
"Baby," he tried to protest after a few more seconds, and when I didn't stop, he cupped my cheeks in his hands and gently but firmly pushed me away. I wasn't upset with him for it, not really – I knew we had to hurry if we wanted to get there on time – but that didn't mean I wasn't frustrated.
"I know. We have to go," I mumbled, reluctantly lowering my arms from around him. He smiled softly.
"We both know we wouldn't just stop with kissing," he murmured. "Otherwise, I wouldn't have stopped you."
I nodded in agreement, then gazed straight into his eyes. "I love you."
"I love you, too, baby. So much." He gently stroked my cheeks with his thumbs, then pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead. "Ready to go?"
I rose up on my tiptoes to lightly kiss his lips. "Now I am."
"So, as I'm sure you can imagine, Riley was very… persuasive, and managed to close the deal pretty quick. According to Mr. Feng, the shipment will take a while to actually arrive, but you know what the Chinese are like. They all come with a price tag." The Chinese aren't the only ones with a price tag, though, are they, Caius?
"Marcus, we'll need your division to come up with income projections for the next few months as soon as possible so we know just how lenient we can be," Aro cut across.
"Of course, I'll let Lacey know before we leave."
"You're leaving?" I lifted my head at the sound of Edward's voice, feeling just as shocked as he sounded.
"Yes, we were planning on going down to speak to our associates at Kreiscorp tomorrow," Marcus replied, smiling briefly before turning back to Aro. "We should be able to have their projections by the day after at the latest."
"Excellent." Aro smiled widely, and as he gestured for the waiters to take our plates, I turned to Edward.
"I know," he murmured, gently stroking the back of my neck. Marcus, Corinne and Didyme had been a big concern for both of us during these final stages; we didn't want them being implicated - or worse - when we escaped, but couldn't work out how to get them out the picture. At least one thing's going right.
"Not hungry, Isabella?" I twisted in Royce's direction, and saw him glance pointedly at my barely touched plate as it was taken by Laurent.
"No, uh… I'm not feeling one hundred percent right now," I replied, smiling weakly. Rosalie gave me a sympathetic look from beside him.
"Bella, you should try to eat," Didyme said softly. I shrugged.
"I don't wanna be sick again," I mumbled, looking down at my lap.
Edward sighed softly. "Oh, baby."
I shuddered at the feel of his hand against the back of my neck, and leaned towards him instinctually. I was feeling fucking awful, and we were only on the second course. Stay strong. You need to talk to Rosalie.
"Isabella?" I straightened up and moved away from Edward slightly as I raised my head again.
"Yes, sir?"
"You're among friends here," Aro continued, smiling. You're no friend of mine, you son of a bitch. "You can make yourself comfortable."
I smiled in pretend embarrassment, but didn't hesitate to shift my chair as close to Edward's as possible, then sighed with relief when he wrapped his arm around me and kissed the top of my head, allowing me to burrow deeper into his side. Even though we'd only been a foot apart, the distance had felt like miles.
"Ah, young love," Aro sighed, then looked over to Royce and Rosalie, who had been sitting close together and kissing sporadically throughout dinner. Brave girl. "So prec- Oh!"
His eyes widened with hope as his phone began to ring on the table. "Excuse me – I have to take this."
Edward nodded distractedly along with the others, and once Aro was gone, he turned sideways in his seat to face me.
"Baby?" he said softly. I looked up at him and smiled weakly.
"Don't look so worried," I chided, reaching up and trying to smooth out his frown. He caught my hand in his and held it tightly.
"Bella…"
"I can handle it," I whispered, smiling more genuinely that time. "I promise."
"Come here," he murmured, then pulled me into his lap, my legs across both of his.
"Edward…" The protest was half-hearted; part of me knew that this was inappropriate, but the other part of me couldn't give a shit – it felt so nice.
"Just stop talking and let me hold you," he breathed into my hair. I sighed softly, then wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck.
"Thank you."
"Edward, has she been like this all week?" It was Didyme, and she sounded concerned.
"On and off," he replied truthfully.
"And she's stopped taking…" She trailed off; we both knew what she meant.
"Straight away," Edward told her. "But it's made no difference."
"Shit." I'd never heard her swear before. That can't be good. "Bella?"
I raised my head and looked over to her. "Yeah?"
"Have you had your…" My what? "Since then?"
The cogs began to turn as I tried to work out what she meant, and the moment I did…
I looked back to her and shook my head. The confirmation in her eyes made my heart stop. Oh, God.
"Bella?" I turned to Edward, trying to hide the shock that was radiating through me. "You've gone paler all of a sudden."
"I, uh… I need to, um…" Stop freaking out? "Sorry, I just… I feel really sick."
Not exactly a lie.
"Do you want to go downstairs?" he asked, gently rubbing my back to try and soothe me. It wasn't possible, was it? I couldn't actually be…
"Yeah," I mumbled.
Edward shifted beneath me. "I'll-"
"Rosalie will take her," Royce interrupted.
Edward's fist clenched against my back. "I'm-"
"You'll probably need to stay incase Aro gets back," Royce continued, ignoring the angry glare Edward had shot him at the suggestion.
"He's right," Marcus admitted. "This could be important."
"Bella is impor-"
"Baby," I cut across, bringing my hand up to cup his face. This is our only shot. His jaw tensed beneath my fingers, and I could tell how hard it was for him not to break character. "They're right."
He nodded in resignation, but made no move to let me go.
"Edward, I need to go downstairs."
He looked directly into my eyes, and must have seen the panic within them, for he instantly let me go and guided me to my feet.
"Send someone for me if you need me," he murmured. I turned to him and nodded, smiling reassuringly, then looked to Rosalie to make sure she was coming with me.
She was already on her feet, and whispered something in Royce's ear that made him smirk before straightening up and gesturing for me to go first.
The walk down to the restrooms was silent and full of tension. I wasn't sure whether Rosalie sensed that I needed to tell her something urgently, but I truly hoped that she did; I would have to be extra careful when speaking with her. There was a chance that the Volturi may have added cameras or microphones while Edward and I were away, and since I didn't know where Aro was…
"I think this one's empty," I mumbled as I stepped towards one of the doors and pressed down on the handle. Once inside, I hastily flicked on the lights and, knowing Rose would follow, walked over to the sink and braced myself against the counter.
A few seconds later, the door clicked shut and I heard the dull thud of Rose's shoes approaching. We stood there in silence once again while I held a damp hand towel to the back of my neck for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say. Come on, Bella. You're running out of time.
"You, uh… You look nice tonight," I told her. I had no idea how to do this. My concentration was shot, first by the nerves and the sickness, and now by the prospect of being… I couldn't even think the word, let alone say it.
"Oh, um… Thanks?" I raised my head and removed the towel from the back of my neck, dropping it into the sink.
"Are you and Royce doing anything before the dinner tomorrow?" I asked, trying to sound casual. She frowned.
"No, I don't think s-"
"You are now," I told her. "Edward and I were planning on inviting you both earlier, but things got in the way, so, uh… Do you want to come round for a few drinks or something tomorrow?"
"Drinks?" Her confused expression melted the moment I gave her a pointed look. She immediately straightened up, and a hopeful but calm look appeared on her face. "Sure. What time?"
"We were thinking around three thirty, maybe four?" I kept my eyes locked on hers as I spoke. "I know the main party starts at four, but the actual dinner isn't until five, so we thought that maybe we could have a party of sorts of our own? I mean, we haven't met up in a while and-"
"Bella, you're babbling," Rose said softly.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "It just keeps my mind off…" I gestured to my stomach. "This."
She smiled in understanding. "I'll have to check with Royce, but I think that'll be fine."
I nodded. "How are things between you two?"
It was meant to sound like a casual question, but I truly needed to know. They looked - dare I say it - into each other at dinner, so it was clear her willingness had paid off to some degree, but I was still worried that things were bad behind closed doors. Not that they'll be that way much longer, anyway…
"Oh, Bella, they're amazing." Her hand covered mine and squeezed lightly. "I mean, the sex is just… wow. And God, he can be so romantic!"
"Are you still, uh…" I gestured aimlessly, unsure of how to phrase it.
"Dom and sub?" she suggested lightly.
I tried to look embarrassed. "Yeah."
"Only very occasionally, when the mood is right," she replied, and the squeeze she gave my hand that time was a reassuring one. "It was strange at first, getting used to not being in that role all the time, but now I actually think I prefer it this way. I like being able to show him affection, you know?"
"Yeah, I know." I smiled genuinely, though not for the reasons our speech would imply. "I'm happy for you two."
"And I you. You both seem so…" She sighed wistfully. "I'd say happy, but that's not the right word."
I smiled again, but knew it mustn't have reached my eyes, for Rosalie frowned suddenly and her expression became more serious.
"Bella, what's-"
We both froze at the sound of knocking at the door, but then I heard Didyme call our names and felt myself relax.
"Come in, Didyme," I called back, sending Rosalie what I hoped was a reassuring look as the door slowly opened, revealing a concerned-looking Didyme.
"Everything okay?" she asked, looking between the two of us. I nodded.
"Yeah, I think it was a false alarm," I replied, shrugging.
"That wasn't a false alarm," Didyme murmured as she approached. "That was you panicking, wasn't it?"
Rosalie frowned and turned to me with a questioning look in her eye. I looked down at the floor, avoiding her gaze.
"Rose, would you mind getting Ed-"
"No!" I protested, a little too loudly. Didyme looked over to me in shock. "She can stay here for this. I… I don't want Edward to know until I know for sure."
"Wh-…" Rose trailed off, looking beyond confused.
"Alright," Didyme agreed. "I understand."
I exhaled a long, slow breath. "How soon can you get me a test?"
"I can go and get one now, but if you want to keep this under wraps, I can bring you one later on."
"Test?" Rosalie's gaze kept switching between the two of us as she tried to figure out what was going on. "I'm a little lost here, guys. You're gonna have to clue me in."
I stared down at the floor again, feeling my insides start to twist into knots. "I'm pregnant."
Rosalie gasped.
"Aren't I?" I looked up at Didyme, who nodded slowly.
"I think so."
"Oh, my God," Rose breathed, looking almost horrified. "Bella…"
I felt tears rush to my eyes. "It's not a bad thing. I mean, we both want kids, but, uh…"
"The timing's wrong." Didyme's voice was soft, but the words… They meant more than they seemed to on the surface. "That's why it's taken you so long to take that final leap."
She was looking directly into my eyes now, and it was like she could see straight through me. We weren't just talking about the length of time it had taken me to open my eyes to this possible pregnancy – we were also talking about the window of opportunity Edward and I had forced ourselves to miss.
"Yeah," I choked out, nodding. Oh, my God.
"Bella, I… I don't know what to say," Rosalie murmured as she came closer, taking my hand in hers.
"Nothing," I pleaded. "Please don't say anything. I need to… I need to tell him myself when I… When I know."
She nodded quickly, then pulled me into a tight embrace.
"You'll bring the test round after dinner?" I lifted my head from Rosalie's shoulder and looked over to Didyme for confirmation.
"First thing, I promise."
"Okay." I inhaled deeply before letting out a shaky sigh. My mind was all over the place now. What do I do? What now? "I'm… I'm not hungry anymore. I…"
"Need to spend time with Edward," Didyme finished, smiling sadly. I nodded, then slowly pulled away from Rosalie.
"You should go back upstairs," I told her softly. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
She hesitated a moment, clearly conflicted, then smiled. "Three thirty," she promised, then gave me another brief hug. "If you need me before then, come and get me."
"I will," I swore as I kissed her cheek in thanks. She smiled once more, then started towards the door.
"I'll send Edward down," she called, turning back to face us.
"Thanks, Rose."
She hesitated again, then nodded once before shutting the door behind her on the way out.
"I should probably leave, too," Didyme said softly. I sighed, feeling the traitorous tears start to well up again, then stepped forwards and wrapped my arms around her tightly.
"Thank you," I whispered. "You're such a good friend to me."
I heard Didyme let out a shaky breath before hugging me tighter. "Eleven," she breathed. "Until five. You need to go."
My eyes fell shut the moment I realized how significant that piece of information was. The blackout. "So do you."
She laughed softly. "We will."
"Di…" She squeezed me tightly.
"You take care of yourself, okay?" she whispered. I nodded, unable to stop a few tears from spilling over as I did so.
"I hope I don't have to see you again," she breathed. "But if… If you – if any of you – need me, I'll be there."
Somehow, that made a massive weight lift from my chest. "Thank you."
With one final kiss to my cheek, Didyme carefully stepped back and smiled.
"I'll go and see where Edward-" She cut herself off with a laugh at the sound of knocking on the door.
"He has good timing," I joked. Didyme grinned.
"That, he does," she agreed. "Come in, Edward!"
Within seconds, Edward had the door open and was halfway across the room, looking shaken and concerned.
"You okay?" he asked. I reached for his hand and pulled him into a hug; I got the feeling he needed one as much as I did.
"I'm fine," I promised, gently kissing his neck. "Are you?"
He shrugged, then pulled away and turned to Didyme. "Thanks for checking on her."
"It's not a problem," she replied softly. "I won't deny that my reasons for coming down weren't entirely selfless, though."
"What do you mean?" I looked between her and Edward, whose arm tensed beneath my palm.
"They've found Kate Denali," he said flatly. Dread settled in the pit of my stomach. "They're tracking her and her husband, and plan on taking their daughter on Sunday."
We can stop them.
"We have sources within the F.B.I and government," Didyme explained. "Witness protection is pretty much useless."
"I thought the U.S Marshals Service handled that." Unless the witness was under The Agency's protection.
"They do," Didyme replied. "But we have our ways."
I nodded noncommittally, gently lowering my hand from Edward's arm so I could link our fingers. He squeezed them tightly.
"I need to go."
"We'll come with y-" Edward began, but Didyme held up a hand to stop him.
"Bella needs rest, and you two should just… relax for a while." She moved forwards and pressed her hand against his cheek. "I'll probably be leaving first thing tomorrow, so… Stay safe, okay?"
Edward's eyes fell shut briefly as the significance of what she was saying sunk in, and then he was pulling her into his arms and squeezing her tightly.
"Thank you for all your help," I heard him whisper.
"Thank you for yours," she murmured back. I gazed down at the floor, wanting to give them as much privacy as possible, and felt tears well up in my eyes as they said their goodbyes. I would miss Didyme and her family. Over my time here, we'd become so close, and now… Now it was coming to an end. Everything does.
"Di?" My voice cracked as I spoke. "Good luck."
She looked up at me, her expression sad.
"With the meeting," I pretended to clarify. "I hope you get what you need."
"Thank you," she replied, then stepped forwards to hug me. "I hope you get some freedom from the sickness. I hope both of you do."
I squeezed her tightly. "Bye, Didyme."
"Goodbye, Isabella," she whispered, and as I watched her go, I felt Edward's arms wrap around me from behind, comforting and reassuring me. My hands sought out his automatically, and it was only when he linked our fingers together that I felt like I could breathe again.
Once Didyme was finally gone and the door had clicked shut again, I turned to him with tears in my eyes.
"I know," he murmured, cupping my cheeks in his hands. "I'll miss her, too."
It wasn't until later, when Edward and I were about to have our nightly shower, that I finally let the full weight of everything crash down on me. The panic set in, and along with the panic came worry, doubt, fear, and a bucket load of anxiety that seemed determined to make it impossible for me to breathe.
My eyes filled with tears, and although I could tell Edward was saying something as he turned on the water, I could barely hear him over the sound of my rushing heartbeat. I was starting to freak the fuck out, and I needed a distraction before I completely lost it.
"Edward?"
He turned round to face me, and his expression immediately shifted into one of confusion and worry. "What's wrong?"
"Uh… I just…" Might lose you tomorrow or end up not making it out of here alive, and I'm kind of freaking out over the fact that I'm probably pregnant with your baby, too, and I don't know how to handle it. "It's nothing."
"Seems like a pretty big nothing," he murmured, frowning as he moved towards me.
I shrugged, hoping he'd think it was just last minute nerves. "It doesn't matter." Liar.
"If it's bothering you, baby, it does matter," he said softly, taking my hands in his. "You're shaking."
I can't do this.
"Am I?" I looked down at our hands, searching for any excuse not to make eye contact with him just yet. You need to tell him. "Huh."
"Bella…" Edward squeezed my hands tightly, silently urging me to look up at him. When I didn't, he let go of my hands and gently tilted my chin up with his finger. The expression on his face made my heart clench.
I don't know how to say it. "I…"
He has a right to know.
"Talk to me," he urged. Sighing softly, I reached up and held his hands again, lowering them between us to give myself the strength I needed to do this.
"Edward…" I stared down at the floor, suddenly feeling sick with anxiety.
You don't know for sure yet. You shouldn't get his hopes up…
"Baby, you're scaring me."
Baby…
He has a right to know.
"I don't know for sure, but-" I took a few deep breaths, trying desperately to calm myself. It didn't work.
He squeezed my hands encouragingly, giving me that final push to look up at him again.
"I'm late." My voice shook with nerves as I spoke. It wasn't his reaction that worried me; what really scared me – what petrified me – was the thought of having yet another life to worry about on top of everything else.
He frowned. "Late?"
I nodded. Please don't make me say it.
"What do you-"
"I'm late," I repeated weakly as tears rushed to my eyes.
His eyes widened in shock for a second, then softened in understanding.
"You're late," he breathed. I nodded, the movement making some of the tears spill down my cheeks.
"I swear, I didn't plan this," I rushed out, suddenly feeling the urge to defend myself. "I thought I was protect-"
"Shhh," Edward whispered as he pulled me into his arms, his hands immediately moving to stroke my hair. "I know. It's okay."
"It could just be stress or something, I know that, but, baby, I…" I exhaled a shaky breath. "I don't think this is a false alarm, and I just… I didn't expect this to happen so soon."
I felt Edward nod stiffly against me. "I, uh…" he trailed off for a moment, and when he continued, he sounded a little choked up. "If it's too soon for you, I'll, uh… I'll understand if you don't want to… You know…"
"If I don't want to keep it?" I pulled back from him in shock. "Edward, that's not what I… I want to start a family with you."
"Then what's-" He cut himself off, and his eyes briefly fell shut before gazing into mine again. "You're worried."
I nodded weakly, hoping he'd understand why. It's not the baby I'm worried about; it's how knowing for sure will affect tomorrow.
"Have you spoken to Didyme about it?"
"She's bringing a test round once dinner's over," I replied. "We'll know for sure then."
"Okay," Edward mumbled, and this time, it was him who stared down at the floor.
"Edward…" I had no idea what to say to him. "Is this… Do you…" Want this?
"Can you just, uh…" He frowned again. "I need a moment."
"Oh," I said lamely, dropping my hands to my sides. "I'll give you some spa-"
"No!" He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me tightly. "Baby, that's not what I meant. I just…" He groaned in frustration, shaking his head.
"What?" I murmured as my arms came up around him, my hands automatically sliding into his hair.
"God, is it…" He sighed softly, burying his face into my neck. "Is it wrong that I'm happy right now?"
"No," I whispered. It's exactly what I needed to hear.
"When you take the test…" He trailed off, then breathed out a soft laugh. "I hope it'll be positive."
I smiled and let myself imagine it. "So do I."
Edward pulled back and pressed his forehead to mine as his fingers slid up to brush against my stomach. He smiled as he watched his fingertips glide back and forth over my bare skin, and then he was kissing me, his lips coaxing apart my own as I moaned in surprise.
"I know I should be thinking about a shitload of other things right now…" he breathed. "But, fuck… You could actually be… I might be…"
"I know," I whispered between kisses.
"Do you know how amazing that is?" His lips became more urgent. "I love you, baby. So much. You're everything to me. I hope you know that."
"Show me?" I needed the distraction of his touch, needed to know and feel how much he loved me. It was the only thing that could truly ground me to the here and now and banish the doubts that were plaguing my mind and threatening to take me over. I needed to push all other thoughts to the back of my mind and focus on him, on us, on anything other than the darkness that was looming over us. "Please?"
He smiled almost sadly, bringing one of his hands up to gently sweep my hair out of my face. "Like I could ever deny you anything."
I breathed out a sigh of relief at his words, then let my eyes fall shut as he leaned in and kissed me softly… slowly… taking his time to gradually uncoil the tension within me only to build it up again in a different way. I pressed myself against him, grateful we'd both already stripped down to our underwear, and wrapped my arms around his neck, desperate to try and find some way of getting us closer.
"Slow, baby," he murmured against my lips. "I'm not going to disappear."
Nodding in acquiescence, I forced myself to relax more, to let him lead me through this without resistance or worry. He was being so gentle with me, so loving, and I knew he would never do anything that could hurt me. I'd asked him to show me how much I meant to him, to show me he loved me… And he was. He wasn't making me like a fragile butterfly on the verge of breaking – he was making me feel loved and cherished… like I was the most precious thing in his world.
So delicately, I barely even felt the movement, he lifted me from the ground and slowly backed me against the wall behind me, pressing my back against the cool tile with hardly any pressure at all. His hands slid beneath my rear to support me, and I moaned softly as his lips slowly made their way down to my neck, kissing and licking and sucking the skin there until I gently brought them back to mine in a silent plea for more.
"Where?" he whispered, opening his eyes and gazing at me intensely. "The bed?"
I shook my head and wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him firmly against me. "Here."
He smiled, then leaned in and kissed me deeply again, using his body to hold me against the wall as one of his hands glided up to cup my breast through my bra. I inhaled sharply as his thumb swept over my nipple, then gasped when he opened the front clasp with his other hand, allowing him better access.
"I love your body," he murmured as his lips trailed down to my chest, his tongue teasing with gentle circles and flicks that forced me to bite down hard on my lower lip to stop myself from moaning. I fisted one of my hands in his hair as he switched over to my other breast, then let my head fall back to rest against the wall and closed my eyes, simply absorbing all the sensations bombarding my body at once.
"Bella?" His lips slowly worked their way up my neck until they were beside my ear before whispering, "One more day… Then we'll be free."
The moan that escaped me was one of longing, but the tiny seed of doubt in the back of my mind had already sprouted its roots, pushing an idea I'd been toying with ever since Edward's purchase on the way to the hotel all those days ago to the very front.
"Baby, I-" I cut myself off with a sigh as he kissed the spot below my ear, then gently tugged his head back so I could look him in the eyes. "I want to…" I let my eyes fall shut briefly as I tried to figure out how to word it. "I want to give myself to you… in every possible way."
He frowned.
"I…" I shook my head, then took a deep breath. "I want a new first time. With you."
"I don't under…" he began. I cut him off with a gentle kiss.
"Before I met you, my life was… It wasn't a life. It was an existence. And now I'm with you, and I wish…" I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to keep my emotions under control. "I wish that I'd have found you sooner. It feels like I've wasted so much time living a half-life, and I wish I could go back and rewrite my history with you in it from the very start. I don't have many 'firsts' left now, and I wish that there were, because…" I felt my eyes fill up with tears. Damn it. "They should have been special, and they would have been if I was with you."
His expression softened. "Baby…"
I wiped my eyes with the palm of my hand, then pressed my forehead against his. "There's one thing that I know would be a first for both of us, and…" I exhaled a long, slow breath. "That's what I want to remember several years down the line as my first time. I want to make a new memory with you, because no matter what happens, you'll be the only one I'll ever give myself to in this way."
"You want to…?" He moved his head back so he could look me in the eyes as he spoke.
I nodded. "I just want to try. You said before that you would if I wanted to," I reminded him. "And when we've explored that before, it… It felt really good."
"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I accidentally hurt you during that," he said softly, but I didn't sense any reluctance in his eyes; just caution.
"I'll tell you the moment anything becomes too much or painful, I promise," I swore. He considered things for a moment, then glanced at the shower, which was still running.
"On one condition," he eventually murmured, gazing back into my eyes.
"Anything," I promised.
"I'll get you ready in here, but when it's time, you let me take you to our bed, cover our bodies with the sheets, and make love to you both ways," he said softly. "Because our first time wouldn't have been in a shower." He cupped the side of my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb as he smiled wistfully. "I would have made it perfect for you. Because you deserve nothing less."
I felt some of the tears that had been building finally spill over, but did nothing to try and stop them. "I love you."
He kissed me softly. "I love you, too."
"I'm scared," I whispered.
"So am I," he admitted. "But I will fight for us. I promise you that." He smiled, gently wiping my tears from my cheeks. "Now… No more tears. Okay?"
"I can only promise there won't be any more due to sadness," I replied. His smile widened.
"That's my girl," he said softly as he leaned in to kiss me, gently lowering me to the floor at the same time. "Now, go and get in the shower, and I'll be there in a minute, alright, baby?"
I nodded firmly and pressed my lips to his again in a deep kiss. "Thank you."
He just kissed my forehead in response, and I took that as my cue to head over to the shower, quickly removing my thong before opening the doors and stepping under the cold spray. After shutting the doors behind me, I reached for the dial on the wall and adjusted the temperature so it was moderately warm; I knew Edward would want to take his time preparing me for this, and didn't want the water to end up cold before he was done.
Less than a minute later, the doors slid open again, and I let out a soft moan as Edward pressed his warm and very naked body against me from behind, gently kissing my neck as he wrapped his arms around me.
"Turn around, baby," he murmured, then nuzzled my neck before placing something on the seat beside us as I turned round to face him.
"God… How did I get so fucking lucky?" he breathed. I blushed and started to tilt my head down, but Edward stopped me with a passionate kiss that I felt throughout my entire body.
I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could, needing to feel more of him, more of the rush that spread through me at his touch, and moaned in surprise as he reached down and hitched my leg up to his hip, letting me feel the hardening evidence that proved he felt it too.
Soon, though, he shifted his attention to my neck, kissing and sucking the skin there before slowly making his way down to my chest and teasing each of my breasts in turn. I fisted one hand in his hair and reached down with the other to grip his hand tightly, then inhaled sharply as he lowered himself to his knees and scattered kisses across my stomach and hips, water from the shower now raining down his back.
"Edward…" I cut myself off with a breathless sigh, and watched as Edward gently lifted one of my legs over his shoulder and pressed his lips against my inner thigh. He looked up at me, almost like he was asking for permission, but didn't wait for a verbal response before gently parting me with his fingers and kissing me right there.
My fist tightened in his hair reflexively as he moaned against my sex, teasing me with quick strokes and flicks of his tongue before disentangling his fingers from mine and lowering them to my entrance. I whimpered softly and shifted my hips against him in a silent plea for more, then gasped when he slid two of his fingers inside me.
"Oh, my-" I cut myself off with an embarrassingly loud moan as he curved his fingers within me, somehow finding the perfect spot that made my legs threaten to buckle beneath me. He smiled against me then, and I heard a muted click just moments later, though I didn't fully understood what it meant until I felt one of the fingers of his free hand press against my lower entrance.
"Okay?" he asked softly, looking up at me for confirmation.
"Yes," I managed to croak out, suddenly nervous even though we'd done this particular part before and I'd enjoyed it. A lot.
"Baby…"
I shifted my hips against him and tightened my grip on his hair as I smiled down at him. "I said yes."
He hesitated a few moments, and just as I thought he was going to stop everything, he began to slowly rub his finger against that area, gradually relaxing me before refocusing his attention on my clit as he gently pressed the tip of his finger inside me.
My mouth fell open as I gradually relaxed enough to allow his finger to move deeper inside me, but I quickly shut it again when Edward looked up at me and let a second slickened finger press against me. I loosened my hold on his hair and gently stroked it, trying to reassure him that I was still fine and would say something the moment it got too uncomfortable.
He held my gaze a few seconds longer, then let his eyes fall closed as the fingers of his other hand began to move within me again, curling in just the right place as his tongue worked against my clit, diverting my attention back to the incredible sensations spreading through my body.
I felt his second finger gradually stretch me as he slowly moved them both in and out of me, but instead of feeling discomfort, all I could feel was pleasure, and I couldn't stop a soft cry from escaping me as the all too familiar tightening in my stomach began. I was going to come, and soon.
"B-Baby…" He sped up his movements, pushing me closer and closer to my climax, until finally, with one last cry of his name, it washed over me, nearly taking my breath away. He kept going even as I came down from my orgasm, legs shaking and breathing shallow, and I realized then what he was trying to do.
"Edward…" I breathed, gently gripping his hair to get his attention. He looked up at me with a worried expression a moment later, immediately ceasing all movement.
"You don't, uh…" I cleared my throat awkwardly, trying to collect myself and focus on what I wanted to say.
"What's wrong?" He frowned, genuine concern marring his features.
"Nothing," I assured him. "I just, um… I don't want to… again without you."
He looked confused for a second, then breathed out a soft laugh.
"Baby, I need you as relaxed as possible," he murmured.
"I am relaxed," I told him softly. "Please, baby? I'm ready."
He gazed at me for a few moments indecisively, then gently pulled his fingers from me and placed once final kiss against my hip before standing up. The moment we were face to face, I wrapped my arms around him tightly and pressed my hips against his, for support as much as anything, then kissed his neck as I threaded my fingers through his hair.
"I love you," I whispered as I lowered my free hand between us and wrapped my fingers around him. God, he was so hard…
"Bella, I love you, too," he murmured softly, letting his hands slide down to cup my ass. I shuddered against him, then slowly began to slide my hand up and down his shaft.
"I want you," I breathed as I pressed my lips to his. "So much."
"Bella…" He cut himself off with a groan as I swept my thumb over his tip, letting his forehead drop to mine. "Please stop."
"But-"
"I won't be able to last if you keep that up," he said softly, almost… pleadingly? "You just… The sensation…"
"Okay, baby," I murmured, gently pressing my lips to his. I moved my hands to his hips as we kissed, then smiled when he slowly pulled back and entwined our fingers. All traces of nervousness dissipated the moment he smiled back at me, and I knew then that we were both ready.
He reached down beside us and picked up the small bottle of lubricant and a condom with his free hand, then kissed me chastely before leading me out the shower. Both our bodies were slightly wet from the shower, but instead of drying us off like I expected, Edward headed straight for the bedroom. I sighed in relief at how eager he seemed - I didn't want him to do this just because I wanted to; I needed him to want it, too.
Once we reached the bed, Edward placed the items in his hand onto the bedside table, then turned to face me, cupping my face in his hands.
"I love you," he said softly. I smiled at him then, because I knew it was true. We were meant to be together - falling in love wasn't a happy accident; it was a miracle.
"I'll never tire of hearing that," I murmured. He smiled back at me and pressed his forehead to mine.
"Good," he whispered. "Because I'll never stop saying it."
"Promise?" The word came out so weakly, it was actually embarrassing.
He tilted my face up and gazed into my eyes. "I promise."
I laughed at how cheesy we were being, then moaned softly when he pressed his lips to mine in a slow, deep kiss. He lowered his hands to my hips and pulled me against him, pressing our bodies tightly together, then slowly turned before sitting down on the edge of the bed and guiding me into his lap.
Moving my hands up into his hair, I gently pulled his head back so I could kiss his neck, then smiled when I heard him groan. I let my hips grind against his, working us both up as much as possible until Edward finally shifted us both into a better position on the bed, giving me more leverage to rock against him.
Reaching down to grab the end of the sheets, he slowly laid back against the pillows and covered us up to the shoulders before taking the condom packet from the bedside table and tearing it open. I smiled, then took the condom from him and rolled it down his erection, letting out a shaky breath when he lowered his hand between us and entwined our fingers.
He wrapped our hands around him, then angled himself so that the head of his erection teased my clit every time I shifted my hips before finally lining us up and pushing easily inside me. I inhaled sharply, loving how full I felt, then slowly started to move above him, my arms on either side of his head.
Lifting his head so he could kiss me, Edward took the bottle from beside us, and when I felt him reach behind me, I stilled. He pushed first one, then two fingers inside me, kissing me all the while, and I could help but groan as I slowly began to move above him again. To feel him entering me in more than one way was almost overwhelming, like I was being consumed by him, but it was so pleasurable at the same time…
"Baby?" Edward murmured against my lips. I opened my eyes, then gasped as he pulled out of me and reached for the bottle again. I felt surprisingly empty now, but knew it wouldn't be that way for long. He wanted this just as much as I did.
He spread the lubrication down his shaft and around my other entrance again, then hesitated, obviously unsure of how to do this. Kissing him deeply, I covered his hand with mine, then slowly sat up, pressing the head of his erection against me. I wanted to kiss him again so badly, but for this initial part, I knew it would probably be easier if I didn't, so settled for entwining the fingers of our free hands instead.
Keeping my gaze on his, I slowly lowered myself onto him, stopping a few times and shifting uncomfortably as I tried to adjust to the sensation, then moaned when Edward's thumb began to circle my clit, unable to keep my eyes open any longer. It was like everything was heightened now; it didn't hurt, not really – it was just uncomfortable, and I felt incredibly full in the best of ways.
Eventually, my thighs met his, and I let out a shaky breath as I opened my eyes. When I looked down at Edward, I was surprised to see that his eyes were clamped shut and his free hand was clenching the sheets, incomprehensible murmurs escaping his mouth on a constant loop.
"Edward?" I breathed as I pressed my hand against his cheek. His murmurings stopped, and then his eyes slowly fluttered open, immediately gazing into mine.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just…" He swallowed hard, forcing himself to relax. "Bella, you can't even imagine… This is- Fuck… It'sso intense."
I smiled, gently pushing his hair back from his forehead. "I know."
The urge to kiss him became overpowering then, and I couldn't stop myself from leaning forwards, only to groan loudly at the change in position.
"Fuck…" Biting down hard on my bottom lip, I slowly rocked my hips over him again experimentally, and then it was his turn to moan.
"Bella… Baby…" His thumb began to move over my clit again, and as our lips finally met, a shudder ran up my spine. "You okay?"
I nodded, moving ever so slightly faster to prove it. "It's just… different."
"Good different?" He was distracting himself, I could tell; he wanted to make sure I was okay before giving himself over to the sensation.
Laughing softly, I kissed him again. "Yes."
As his thumb pressed against me more firmly, Edward hesitantly pushed his hips up to meet mine before groaning as I began to rock more confidently, pleasure dominating the slight discomfort. It was starting to feel good now… Really good.
"Baby, I'm already close," Edward warned. I could tell by the way his hand was tensed in mine that he was holding back, and immediately felt guilty. He'd put my needs before his this whole time, and here he was, doing it again.
"It's okay," I whispered, then kissed him deeply in silent encouragement. Edward mumbled something I couldn't make out in protest, but I shook my head at him and gently gripped the hand I wasn't already holding and pressed it against my hip, trying to let him set the pace he needed.
It took him a few seconds, but once he realized I meant what I'd said, he began to thrust up to meet me every time I lowered myself onto him, and it didn't take long before he was right on the precipice. I broke our kiss so I could gaze into his eyes, then murmured the most truthful words I had ever said in my life.
"I love you, Edward Anthony Masen."
His eyes rolled upwards and my name escaped his lips in a cry as he finally climaxed, making my heart swell with so much emotion, I couldn't stop a tear from escaping my eye. This went beyond the physical for me. He now had all of me, and I had all of him; heart, mind and body. How I'd survived this long without knowing this kind of love even existed - let alone that I could feel it and have someone feel the same way back - was beyond me. I couldn't imagine life with him, without this… But I didn't have to. We'd be free and together this time tomorrow. The thought made me grin widely.
"You look happy," Edward murmured as he gently pushed my hair back from my face a short while later.
"I am," I told him truthfully, then leaned down to give him a lingering kiss. "We just need one little test result to make things perfect."
Edward smiled. "They'll be perfect even if the test is negative, baby."
"I know, but…" I chose my next words carefully; I didn't want to make how I felt about Jake seem meaningless, but couldn't outright say anything. "Don't get me wrong, if I adopted a child, I'd love them like they were my own, but I want to know what it's like, you know? To be pregnant and give birth to a child and watch that little life grow and…"
I trailed off and shook my head, knowing I probably wasn't making much sense. I didn't even understand it myself – my ideas about what I wanted from life had been completely flipped since I'd met Edward, and I was still trying to wrap my head around it all. I used to think of myself as a part-time mom for Jake, though I still loved him unconditionally, and it comforted me that he had Alice there to take care of him, but now I knew that wouldn't be enough. I wanted to be his mom full time, and I wanted him and Edward to be my family and live a normal life. I wanted things to change; my life before would never be enough now.
"Baby?" I blinked a few times to refocus on Edward, then moaned when his hands slid up my sides, his thumbs brushing against my breasts. "This isn't our only chance, you know? If you're not pregnant this time, we'll just have to try again…" His thumbs brushed over my nipples as he sat up and kissed me. "And again…" He kissed my neck. "And again…" My shoulder. "Until it happens."
Smiling, I slid my hand into his hair and gently guided his lips back to mine. "I should probably call Didyme and let her know we're ready."
"Alright," he agreed, then kissed me one final time before reaching between us and grasping the base of the condom. I inhaled sharply when the backs of his fingers brushed against me, and forced myself to move off him and roll onto the bed instead of pushing against him like I wanted to.
As Edward went into the bathroom to dispose of the condom, I texted Didyme and asked if she could bring up the test when she was able to, and after getting a confirmation that she'd be up in five minutes, I went into the closet to pick out something to wear. It didn't take me long – all I needed was a t-shirt and a pair of shorts - and when I came out, I was surprised to see Edward sitting on the bed in a pair of jeans.
"That was quick."
He shrugged, then gestured for me to come closer. The moment I was within arms reach, he pulled me forwards until I was standing between his legs, then wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my stomach.
"I feel sick," he muttered. I smiled sadly and gently started to stroke his hair, knowing how he felt. It was stupid really, feeling so nervous about something as insignificant seeming as a little stick I'd have to pee on. But the result of that stick would change a lot of things, and not just in the usual 'we're having a baby' sense. Even though we both wanted the result to be positive, neither of us could deny that the timing was a little off. But despite that, I knew we would never regret it. How could we? We'd be bringing a new life into the world.
What felt like mere seconds later, there was a knock at the door. Sensing Edward tense up at the sound, I bent down to kiss the top of his head to soothe him, then headed over to answer the door. Didyme greeted me with a sympathetic smile, but made no move to come in.
"Does he know?" she asked softly. I nodded.
"He's nervous," I told her, then glanced back to where Edward was sitting, running his hands through his hair.
"Do you need me to stay?" She raised her voice as she spoke, so I knew it was aimed at Edward more than me.
"Um…" I felt Edward move to stand behind me and automatically leaned back into him as he slid his arms around my waist. "No, I think we're okay. Right, baby?"
"You sure?" I murmured as I linked our fingers.
"I'm not in any rush," Didyme assured him. "I don't mind staying."
"Won't, uh… Won't Bella need vitamins and stuff?" Edward's fingers gently stroked my stomach, but I could tell he probably wasn't aware he was even doing so.
Didyme nodded, and patted the bag she was carrying. "All in here if you need them."
I realized then that Edward probably wouldn't ask her outright to stay, so decided to do it for him. "Then would you please stay? I think we'd both appreciate a little advice, no matter what the result is."
She smiled. "Of course."
Taking Edward's hand in mine, I walked over to the bed and hovered there awkwardly while I waited for Didyme to follow us in and open her bag. Edward had gone unusually quiet as we waited, but smiled when I turned to kiss him, only to tense up again when Didyme handed over the test.
"I'll stay in here while you take it," she said softly. "This should be between the two of you."
I exhaled a shaky breath, then nodded before squeezing Edward's hand. "You ready?"
"Yeah," he almost whispered. Didyme smiled reassuringly at us both, and as we headed into the bathroom in an almost-funk, my heart started to race.
"Should I, uh…" Edward gestured aimlessly, clearly unsure of what to do.
"Just turn around and read the instructions for me, okay?" I asked him softly. He nodded and immediately did as I said, giving a little privacy so I didn't feel quite so awkward, and once I'd finished, I headed over to the sink and put the test down. Holding it felt like gripping a hot poker.
"How long do we have to wait?"
"Up to three minutes. The hourglass will disappear when the result's through." He slipped his hand into mine. "It'll tell us how long it's been since we, uh… conceived, too."
I nodded, squeezing his hand tightly as I turned away from the test and closed my eyes. I could feel Edward moving his arm every few seconds to check his watch, but after a while he stopped checking, and I knew the time must have been up. Fuck, I'm not ready for this. I can't do this…
"Can you look at it?" I croaked, suddenly feeling sick again. Edward steeled himself, then turned to look at the test. He gasped softly.
I opened my eyes.
Pregnant
3+ weeks
"Oh, my God."
No comments:
Post a Comment